Sunday, 5 October 2014

New Chapter, and it's kind of a bummer

When trying to make a baby, visions of carefree romps in the sack and all around good times come to mind.  For most people.  When you've been trying to make a baby for a year and a half, visions of waiting rooms, blood tests and stirrups come to mind.

My husband and I were blessed with a healthy, delightful child 3 years ago.  Now that healthy delightful child wants to know where his brother or sister are, because "all the other kids have one, why can`t I?"
If only one could procure a baby like shopping for Lego or a new bike.  Go to the store, check out a few models, see which one is most compatible, take it home.  But alas, babies are not Lego, and I cannot seem to get my hands or uterus on one.

After several months of testing, it has been determined my fallopian tubes are blocked.  Both of 'em.  No doing things half way for this gal, it's all or nothing.
So what does that mean now?  Well currently I wallow in my own self pity, on the verge of tears at any moment.  Someone looks at me sideways and I'm done for.
I have a pocket full of witty retorts for when a well meaning person says "So, when's your next one coming?" Seriously, if I have missed out on this years baby orders I am going to be pissed.  But instead I say "Well that depends what day you ask me.  Today, we're only having one."  Something along the lines of my child is crazy, let's move along.  He is crazy, but no more than your average three year old.
For now though, I wait for appointments to come to have my fate delivered.  Spend time in waiting rooms where no one makes eye contact because we feel shame that our bits aren't working properly.  Scour the internet for a solution (turns out a magic tea will cure all that ails me), try to not cry (at least in public), and enjoy the things I do have.  A home, job, supportive family and friends. Now if only I didn't feel so alone.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Smartest baby in the world

So I legit am the laziest blogger in the world.  I can call myself a blogger like I can call myself "physically active".  Just because you do something every few months does not entitle you to that title. 
Updates as follows.  I am still overweight, still don't sleep enough, still stress over my son's excema, still give too much advice and not take enough. I enjoy eating entire bags of Nibs (the big ones clearly), watching too much Netflix and dreaming of the day when I am motivated enough to tackle my to do list.
With all of that being said, I am the proud parent of a boy genius.  Now I know we all think that our child is the smartest, cutest, funniest, blah, blah, blah, but I'm sure I've got you trumped.  This child amazes me everyday with the stuff he comes up with.  He is 20 months old and is way funnier and much more clever than I could ever be.  He counts to 20 (leaving out 4 usually), sings the alphabet, can recite the lyrics to "Up on the Housetop" from memory, and all around beat your kid at anything.  I'm pretty sure he has night job too cause that piggy bank is full. 
I never wanted to be that parent to talk about how bad ass my child is, so I won't do it face to face.  When people comment on how intelligent he is I try to be modest and keep quiet, but why should I?  I want my son to know how smart he is, and I am terribly proud of him, so why am I the bad guy for wanting to brag about his gigantic brain? 
Tyler and I often stay up in bed and talk about how cool our son is.  About the hilarious shenanigans he got into that day.  About the prospect of another child and how that would affect our lives.  I also worry, what if the next one isn't as awesome?  How could they ever compare to the greatest person I know? 
I realize that I sound like a huge d-bag now, and I am okay with that.  As long as my baby knows that I am his proud mama, that's all I need.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

This is the end my friend

Goodbye sweet maternity leave.  May we meet again some day and reunite to the tune of 2 naps a day, playing in the park and wearing ravioli for the whole day.  The time has come that I must bid farewell to making dates whenever I want, going on vacation whenever I want, shopping whenever I want (all around the baby's schedule of course).  I already have no time to do anything  except browse facebook, read magazines, and get mani/pedis, so how on earth will I be able to do that AND work?
Mason has entered such an awesome stage in his life where he is potentially the coolest person I know.  He is so honest and innocent and doesn't care who knows it.  If he likes you he will lunge into your arms and not even question if you will catch him.  He knows you will cause he's already got you whipped.  If he doesn't like you or the situation he will stick out his bottom lip and cry in your face.  And someone had better rectify the situation cause if not he will reach the point of mental break down and there is no coming back.  He is my little parrot baby that is trying his damnedest to say everything that comes out of our mouths (see previous posts regarding trying to censor myself.  Still a work in progress).  He astonishes us daily with the things he is saying and doing, and it saddens me that someone else will get to see it all day and I won't.
I know in today's society there are very few people that take the plunge into full time mommyhood and stay home with their kids.  It takes tremendous courage and many sacrifices to do this, and I am envious and look up to these families.  These moms and dads may lose a bit of touch with the adult world for a short while, but  what they are gaining is worth so much more.  I have looked at my life from a lot of different angles in the last year and have written and re written what feels like 100 budgets to try and make staying home a possibility.  No matter how I crunch those numbers they still do not add up to us being able to live comfortably (unless I start pumping and making breast milk cheese and yogurt and selling it around the hood).  So alas I am heading back into the workforce.  It is coming with a real mixed bag of emotions, but mostly grief.  I am grieving the loss of watching my little man all day.  I am grieving the loss of play dates with my mommy friends.  I am grieving 2 naps a day.  This too shall pass.

Monday, 4 June 2012

The kid's alright

With the upcoming and inevitable return to work I am finding myself faced with many regrets and concerns.  I am already regretting my return to work.  I didn't know that was humanly possible to regret something that hasn't happened yet.  I find myself concerned with so many things and living in the future and not the present.  What if he doesn't eat/sleep/poop/smile/play nice at daycare?  What if I hate my life at work?  What if we can't make our schedules work with our daycare provider?
Today while talking to my neighbour she said not to worry, kids are accepting of change and will be okay with the new situation.  I know that Mason will thrive in a home care setting with other children to mimic, watch and laugh at.  I'm not concerned about him at all.  I am the one that is not going to be accepting of the situation.  My baby is in the care of someone else.  I don't get to see him do hilarious things all day.  I don't get to nap with him.  I don't get to go to the park or have rainy day dance parties under our eaves trough spout whenever I want.
Maybe I am being greedy, plotting ways to try to delay my return to work.  But if me wanting to stay at home and smooch my kids' fat feet and dance to Billy Idol and eat sand makes me selfish, then that is a label I am proud to take on.   Yes, I ate sand.  But he was so happy to feed it to me, how could I say no to that manipulative little jerk?

Friday, 4 May 2012

Confessions of a converting ass face

Being a parent brings out the best and worst in people, and I see it in myself and others daily.  I have a lot of bad habits that I have been trying to iron out before and since baby.  One is drinking.  I happen to love drinking.  I mean have a romantic attachment to drinking.  I dream of it, think of it fondly, daydream of our next joyful reunion.  It's for those reasons that I quit drinking.  Coming from a long line of drinkers, it's for the benefit of everyone that I got my stuff together and parted ways with my old friend.  I am happy to say that it's been 5 months since my last glass of wine.  I am not happy to say that I have wet dreams about drinking on a semi regular basis.  Too far?
Another thing I am trying to control is swearing.  Let me tell you a little story without swearing.  Nope, can't do it.  Because I love swearing right up there with drinking.  Nothing drives a point across quite as well as a sharp f-bomb.  How would someone know that I dropped something if I didn't mutter (or yell) sh!t.  It's also hard when Tyler swears just as much as I do.  We keep saying that we need to get a grip on it, and then another day, week, month goes by and we will soon have a two year old getting sent home from daycare for telling someone to suck it.
The final biggie on the list of repairs that need to be made to my parenting (I'm limiting this list for everyone's well being) is being a judgmental, too-cool-for-school ass face.  It's really hard to stop being a jerk after spending a good chunk of your life being a jerk.  I remember from a very young age being the sarcastic mouth piece in class and in groups of friends.  The funny thing is, I cannot figure out from whom I inherited this trait in which I am forever grateful.  It is said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but I am going to have to disagree with that one.  I happen to really enjoy the company of other people who can poke fun, take a good poking, and realize that I am not trying to hurt them.  To those who can't, that's why we aren't friends.  Your loss loser. It's really hard for me to not judge you for your stupid outfit, ridiculous acrylic nails, awful extensions, orange tan, etc.  What I am now practicing is keeping these thoughts to myself.  Mostly for the boy.  I don't want him to learn to be an ass from his parents, let the kids at school teach him that.
I happen to have some really good examples of parents that I would love to take some lessons from.  One is my sister in law, Amber.  She is one of the most calm and collected women I know.  She lives in a house full of men, and they are all angels (although I'm sure she would beg to differ some days).  They have manners, bedtimes, and respect the rules.  She and her husband have raised to great little boys, and unfortunately they are too far away for me to spy on their parenting skills through the window.
Another is one of my best friends, Ember.  She is a sweet dream and will put her friends right up there in life with her family.  Her two little girls have learned how to love as openly as their mama.  The whole family makes my heart sing (yeah hearts can sing), and again, too far for creeping through curtains.
Renee, mother nature, crafting genius, sacrificing sleep and sanity for the sake of your handsome boy.  Keeping him original and perfect.  Teaching him to love nature and books.
Donna may potentially be mother of the year.  She always amazes me with her insane mommy abilities.  Staying up until midnight to make a last minute Wonder Woman Halloween costume.  Working a full time job, driving to and from camps, being a Beaver Leader (go ahead and laugh, she leads Beavers) preparing delightful meals, and still offers to take my baby from me so I can sleep.
I have so many other friends who are doing a fantastic job being the best moms they can be.  I can only hope that we can take a little bit of the awesome from each other and spread it around.   We are doing the best job, the hardest job, and the most rewarding job, and our little ones wouldn't trade us for all the toys, cookies, mud pies, trips to the park, or doggies in the world.  Thanks for being there for me to learn from.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

What I Like About You

I have taken much in over the last few days and weeks  I am trying to enjoy life with a baby as much as possible before I go back to work and my time with him is limited.  I recently read a blog post from a friend that she had written and thought "That's exactly what I have been feeling."
That's not uncommon for she and I, as we seem to roll though the ebbs and flows of babyhood together.  Every time Mason is acting like a jerk I can call her and sure enough her kid is up to the same drama.  It's nice to have someone suffering with me.
So I have really been trying to listen to all those people that say to sit back and relax, enjoy the time, they are only babies for a short while.  I have tried throughout my boy's short time on earth to live in the moment and enjoy each and every day.  But let me tell you, there are some days when I am not enjoying much and if he wiggles away from me one more time while I am trying to strap him into his diaper I swear I will sell him.  And not even to the highest bidder.  Just for a tank of gas or some groceries.
But no matter how much of a dick he is being, all that baby has to do is smile or laugh and he has me wrapped around his little finger.  Below, a list of some of the things that make me smile about my baby.
1) When he is nursing and puts his fingers near in my mouth and smiles so big that my breast falls out of his super suction hold.
2)  He laughs likes the word Booger is the greatest joke ever.
3)  He will never say no to a dance party around the living room to old house music.
4)  He eats like a champ.
5)  His super soft spot (there's only one left, the excema is still bad) under his chin that when it is kissed he laughs like a hyena.
6)  He loves his mama, and when something happens to make him cry, no one else will suffice.
7)  He would rather read, eat, or rip a book than watch tv.
8)  He likes to play music for me (of the pots and pans variety) while I clean.
9)  He enjoys the great outdoors, and when in a foul mood, a little air makes him (and I) feel better.
10)  He's friggin cute!
So it's these things that keep me going.  When the dishes are everywhere, I am in my pajamas at 3 pm, I have just had a spoonful of mush thrown at me I will focus on the awesome and not the awful.  I will call my friends when I need to vent and have them talk me down.  I will say yes when someone offers to watch the baby so I can nap (anyone, feel free to jump in and offer).  Mostly I will savour this boy that is a little piece of me.  Try and remind me of this when I have mush in my hair.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Life at Home

Time is not on my side as of late. Looking back at this blog, my last post was almost a month ago, and it feels like yesterday!
We have been in our home for almost 2 weeks now, our baby is almost 9 months, I have been with Tyler almost 9 years. It must be aging, cause time really does fly as you get older. Or maybe it flies by when you have more things to live for.
My darling son has made some big leaps in the last month, so moving into a house has come at the right time. He has been army crawling around for awhile now, but the speed in which he can drag his little body has increased dramatically. We have been baby proofing the new house as we go, so it's really nice to let him have free reign of his room and not worry about eating clumps of cat fur, kleenex, etc.
Here is an older video while still at the apartment of Mason harassing Maxx pre bed time.
He has started swimming lessons with his little buddy from up the street. He is the big kid in the class, which I think is something he is going to have to get used to. He is also having some very elaborate conversations (mostly at us, not with us) and learning new sounds and facial expressions daily that make me almost pee my pants. With all of these new developments I am realizing that he is moving into toddler hood and will soon be off and running.
It's funny how things that I used to take for granted are things that I am longing for now. I miss when Mason would only nap when we were in bed together. I miss when he would fall back to sleep when I nursed him in bed and we would get an extra 30 minutes of morning sleep. I miss when he was a useless little lump that I could leave in the middle of the room and know where he would be when I returned.
But times they are a changing! I am now planning a birthday party (not legit planning, just thinking about it) for a one year old! Today I had a meeting to discuss my return to work. Arranging childcare. Planning for other babies. All the things that seemed so far away are now creeping up on me and they are not being stealthy about it.
With all of life rushing by, it makes me want to take time to stop and smell the baby heads.