This is the end my friend

Goodbye sweet maternity leave.  May we meet again some day and reunite to the tune of 2 naps a day, playing in the park and wearing ravioli for the whole day.  The time has come that I must bid farewell to making dates whenever I want, going on vacation whenever I want, shopping whenever I want (all around the baby's schedule of course).  I already have no time to do anything  except browse facebook, read magazines, and get mani/pedis, so how on earth will I be able to do that AND work?
Mason has entered such an awesome stage in his life where he is potentially the coolest person I know.  He is so honest and innocent and doesn't care who knows it.  If he likes you he will lunge into your arms and not even question if you will catch him.  He knows you will cause he's already got you whipped.  If he doesn't like you or the situation he will stick out his bottom lip and cry in your face.  And someone had better rectify the situation cause if not he will reach the point of mental break down and there is no coming back.  He is my little parrot baby that is trying his damnedest to say everything that comes out of our mouths (see previous posts regarding trying to censor myself.  Still a work in progress).  He astonishes us daily with the things he is saying and doing, and it saddens me that someone else will get to see it all day and I won't.
I know in today's society there are very few people that take the plunge into full time mommyhood and stay home with their kids.  It takes tremendous courage and many sacrifices to do this, and I am envious and look up to these families.  These moms and dads may lose a bit of touch with the adult world for a short while, but  what they are gaining is worth so much more.  I have looked at my life from a lot of different angles in the last year and have written and re written what feels like 100 budgets to try and make staying home a possibility.  No matter how I crunch those numbers they still do not add up to us being able to live comfortably (unless I start pumping and making breast milk cheese and yogurt and selling it around the hood).  So alas I am heading back into the workforce.  It is coming with a real mixed bag of emotions, but mostly grief.  I am grieving the loss of watching my little man all day.  I am grieving the loss of play dates with my mommy friends.  I am grieving 2 naps a day.  This too shall pass.

The kid's alright

With the upcoming and inevitable return to work I am finding myself faced with many regrets and concerns.  I am already regretting my return to work.  I didn't know that was humanly possible to regret something that hasn't happened yet.  I find myself concerned with so many things and living in the future and not the present.  What if he doesn't eat/sleep/poop/smile/play nice at daycare?  What if I hate my life at work?  What if we can't make our schedules work with our daycare provider?
Today while talking to my neighbour she said not to worry, kids are accepting of change and will be okay with the new situation.  I know that Mason will thrive in a home care setting with other children to mimic, watch and laugh at.  I'm not concerned about him at all.  I am the one that is not going to be accepting of the situation.  My baby is in the care of someone else.  I don't get to see him do hilarious things all day.  I don't get to nap with him.  I don't get to go to the park or have rainy day dance parties under our eaves trough spout whenever I want.
Maybe I am being greedy, plotting ways to try to delay my return to work.  But if me wanting to stay at home and smooch my kids' fat feet and dance to Billy Idol and eat sand makes me selfish, then that is a label I am proud to take on.   Yes, I ate sand.  But he was so happy to feed it to me, how could I say no to that manipulative little jerk?

Confessions of a converting ass face

Being a parent brings out the best and worst in people, and I see it in myself and others daily.  I have a lot of bad habits that I have been trying to iron out before and since baby.  One is drinking.  I happen to love drinking.  I mean have a romantic attachment to drinking.  I dream of it, think of it fondly, daydream of our next joyful reunion.  It's for those reasons that I quit drinking.  Coming from a long line of drinkers, it's for the benefit of everyone that I got my stuff together and parted ways with my old friend.  I am happy to say that it's been 5 months since my last glass of wine.  I am not happy to say that I have wet dreams about drinking on a semi regular basis.  Too far?
Another thing I am trying to control is swearing.  Let me tell you a little story without swearing.  Nope, can't do it.  Because I love swearing right up there with drinking.  Nothing drives a point across quite as well as a sharp f-bomb.  How would someone know that I dropped something if I didn't mutter (or yell) sh!t.  It's also hard when Tyler swears just as much as I do.  We keep saying that we need to get a grip on it, and then another day, week, month goes by and we will soon have a two year old getting sent home from daycare for telling someone to suck it.
The final biggie on the list of repairs that need to be made to my parenting (I'm limiting this list for everyone's well being) is being a judgmental, too-cool-for-school ass face.  It's really hard to stop being a jerk after spending a good chunk of your life being a jerk.  I remember from a very young age being the sarcastic mouth piece in class and in groups of friends.  The funny thing is, I cannot figure out from whom I inherited this trait in which I am forever grateful.  It is said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but I am going to have to disagree with that one.  I happen to really enjoy the company of other people who can poke fun, take a good poking, and realize that I am not trying to hurt them.  To those who can't, that's why we aren't friends.  Your loss loser. It's really hard for me to not judge you for your stupid outfit, ridiculous acrylic nails, awful extensions, orange tan, etc.  What I am now practicing is keeping these thoughts to myself.  Mostly for the boy.  I don't want him to learn to be an ass from his parents, let the kids at school teach him that.
I happen to have some really good examples of parents that I would love to take some lessons from.  One is my sister in law, Amber.  She is one of the most calm and collected women I know.  She lives in a house full of men, and they are all angels (although I'm sure she would beg to differ some days).  They have manners, bedtimes, and respect the rules.  She and her husband have raised to great little boys, and unfortunately they are too far away for me to spy on their parenting skills through the window.
Another is one of my best friends, Ember.  She is a sweet dream and will put her friends right up there in life with her family.  Her two little girls have learned how to love as openly as their mama.  The whole family makes my heart sing (yeah hearts can sing), and again, too far for creeping through curtains.
Renee, mother nature, crafting genius, sacrificing sleep and sanity for the sake of your handsome boy.  Keeping him original and perfect.  Teaching him to love nature and books.
Donna may potentially be mother of the year.  She always amazes me with her insane mommy abilities.  Staying up until midnight to make a last minute Wonder Woman Halloween costume.  Working a full time job, driving to and from camps, being a Beaver Leader (go ahead and laugh, she leads Beavers) preparing delightful meals, and still offers to take my baby from me so I can sleep.
I have so many other friends who are doing a fantastic job being the best moms they can be.  I can only hope that we can take a little bit of the awesome from each other and spread it around.   We are doing the best job, the hardest job, and the most rewarding job, and our little ones wouldn't trade us for all the toys, cookies, mud pies, trips to the park, or doggies in the world.  Thanks for being there for me to learn from.

What I Like About You

I have taken much in over the last few days and weeks  I am trying to enjoy life with a baby as much as possible before I go back to work and my time with him is limited.  I recently read a blog post from a friend that she had written and thought "That's exactly what I have been feeling."  http://reidkids.blogspot.ca/2012/04/enjoying-moments.html
That's not uncommon for she and I, as we seem to roll though the ebbs and flows of babyhood together.  Every time Mason is acting like a jerk I can call her and sure enough her kid is up to the same drama.  It's nice to have someone suffering with me.
So I have really been trying to listen to all those people that say to sit back and relax, enjoy the time, they are only babies for a short while.  I have tried throughout my boy's short time on earth to live in the moment and enjoy each and every day.  But let me tell you, there are some days when I am not enjoying much and if he wiggles away from me one more time while I am trying to strap him into his diaper I swear I will sell him.  And not even to the highest bidder.  Just for a tank of gas or some groceries.
But no matter how much of a dick he is being, all that baby has to do is smile or laugh and he has me wrapped around his little finger.  Below, a list of some of the things that make me smile about my baby.
1) When he is nursing and puts his fingers near in my mouth and smiles so big that my breast falls out of his super suction hold.
2)  He laughs likes the word Booger is the greatest joke ever.
3)  He will never say no to a dance party around the living room to old house music.
4)  He eats like a champ.
5)  His super soft spot (there's only one left, the excema is still bad) under his chin that when it is kissed he laughs like a hyena.
6)  He loves his mama, and when something happens to make him cry, no one else will suffice.
7)  He would rather read, eat, or rip a book than watch tv.
8)  He likes to play music for me (of the pots and pans variety) while I clean.
9)  He enjoys the great outdoors, and when in a foul mood, a little air makes him (and I) feel better.
10)  He's friggin cute!
So it's these things that keep me going.  When the dishes are everywhere, I am in my pajamas at 3 pm, I have just had a spoonful of mush thrown at me I will focus on the awesome and not the awful.  I will call my friends when I need to vent and have them talk me down.  I will say yes when someone offers to watch the baby so I can nap (anyone, feel free to jump in and offer).  Mostly I will savour this boy that is a little piece of me.  Try and remind me of this when I have mush in my hair.

Life at Home

Time is not on my side as of late. Looking back at this blog, my last post was almost a month ago, and it feels like yesterday!

We have been in our home for almost 2 weeks now, our baby is almost 9 months, I have been with Tyler almost 9 years. It must be aging, cause time really does fly as you get older. Or maybe it flies by when you have more things to live for.

My darling son has made some big leaps in the last month, so moving into a house has come at the right time. He has been army crawling around for awhile now, but the speed in which he can drag his little body has increased dramatically. We have been baby proofing the new house as we go, so it's really nice to let him have free reign of his room and not worry about eating clumps of cat fur, kleenex, etc.

Here is an older video while still at the apartment of Mason harassing Maxx pre bed time.

https://vimeo.com/39576497

He has started swimming lessons with his little buddy from up the street. He is the big kid in the class, which I think is something he is going to have to get used to. He is also having some very elaborate conversations (mostly at us, not with us) and learning new sounds and facial expressions daily that make me almost pee my pants. With all of these new developments I am realizing that he is moving into toddler hood and will soon be off and running.

It's funny how things that I used to take for granted are things that I am longing for now. I miss when Mason would only nap when we were in bed together. I miss when he would fall back to sleep when I nursed him in bed and we would get an extra 30 minutes of morning sleep. I miss when he was a useless little lump that I could leave in the middle of the room and know where he would be when I returned.

But times they are a changing! I am now planning a birthday party (not legit planning, just thinking about it) for a one year old! Today I had a meeting to discuss my return to work. Arranging childcare. Planning for other babies. All the things that seemed so far away are now creeping up on me and they are not being stealthy about it.

With all of life rushing by, it makes me want to take time to stop and smell the baby heads.

Quitter

Thought I quit, didn't you? I did too for a bit. My self fulfilling prophecy of rarely finishing anything I start.
The process of moving and renovating has been consuming my life, as one can imagine. Through all of this I have been shipping my child off to whoever dares to take him so I can participate in the renovations. After all of the progress we had made in the way of napping, that is the one thing that has been lost.
Oh the nap. The time in any parents day that they look forward to more than most things. Time to themselves to do what they please. Nap, pay bills, frolic through a dewy meadow. The world is your oyster when that baby finally naps. Mason was on a pretty regular routine until we started this endeavour. Now he is down from about 3 hours of napping a day (cue the angelic choir) to barely over one. And for every one hour of napping there is about one hour of crying, fussing, rolling around, singing show tunes, etc. We are home (apartment home) for a few days and I am trying to get the routine back on, but it is not working out so well.
With the last few days comes the concerns of what is going to happen when I go back to work. How on earth will a daycare provider be able to maintain the naps that I have worked so hard for? And how will this affect our home life? Then comes the thoughts of, should I go back to work? At what capacity? What can I do to make money if I don't?
So much to obsess about, so little time.

Oh, you still breastfeed?

Yeah, I do, and plan to continue as long as I can. I am often surprised, and I don't know why, when people ask me this question. The moment you become pregnant you are on everyone's radar for unsolicited advice. Prenatal nutrition, type of birth, what type of shoes you wear, what type of job you have. Everyone has an opinion. Then when your baby is actually here, it only gets worse. All of a sudden your breasts are the hot topic among strangers. "Do you breastfeed? Oh, good for you." I feel like I got an A on my report card or something getting that kind of congrats. At no other point in my life did random ladies ask me about my bits. The congrats only last for the first three months or so, and then the questions change to "Is he on formula yet? Well that's why he doesn't sleep you know." I know plenty of formula fed babies that ruin their parents dreams of ever sleeping again.

I think my biggest surprise about the "do you still breastfeed" question, is that my son is 7 months old. Now if I had an eight year old hanging from my breast while waiting at the bus stop, I can see why one may be curious. But even if that was the case, it's our choice. The global average age of weening from the breast is 4 years, and the World Health Organization recommends that babies be breastfed until at least two years old.

It's humorous when I hear people saying that breastfeeding is so inconvenient, and they are so surprised I have done it for so long. Yet I have never had to sterilize my breasts, measure how much I am giving him, or worry about how much breast milk to pack for a trip. I believe there is a time and a place for formula, and if you have not been able to breastfeed, or choose formula because that works for your family, then by all means use it. But please do not look at me like I am the oddity because I am breastfeeding him at 7 months. And yes, I still breastfeed while he's teething. It only took one nip for him to learn that if he wants to keep enjoying the booby snacks, there will be none of that.

The S word

None of us are getting enough of it, and those who say they do are lying. It disappears from your life about the same time your feet do in pregnancy, and you hope and pray it will return to your life one day. You daydream about it, wonder daily when you will get it again, and compete with your parent friends to see who is getting less of it. Clearly I am talking about sleep, so get your mind out of the gutter. If you are able to squeeze the other S word into your new life with baby, kudos to you.

Sleep is always not far from my thoughts, and every night when I fall asleep I say a little prayer to Mason asking him to sleep one hour longer, not wake at 5:30, not poop himself awake, etc. I am now also blessed with the bladder the size of a marble, and the thirst of an elephant.

Last night Tyler and I were doing our ninja stealth dance into bed when Ma$e dawg decided to wake up. This dance takes place nightly, as when sharing a bedroom with a baby you are always trying to be more quiet than your partner. That way you can point and scowl at them for causing the baby to rustle. At least that's how it rolls here.

So when the baby woke up last night at 9:30, we were caught a little off guard. He will usually shimmy shake a bit, but not wake. So here we are, me crouched behind his change table trying to change into my pj's, and Tyler hiding under the covers pretending to sleep. Who's in charge here? I then slink into bed hoping he won't notice me. Hoping the child on hands and knees screaming bloody murder while making direct eye contact with me will not notice me. Now I don't know if you've tried crying really loud and having your eyes wide open, but it is a real challenge, and he has mastered it. We tried ignoring him, but again, loud baby, 4 feet away does not go ignored for long. So he won the battle, got a boob, and all was silent again. All except for my mind and bladder. Those are always running on overdrive. This house can't come soon enough!

Baby go Boom

I guess I have been lucky to make it seven months without injury to my kid. He has been in 2 car accidents in his short life, but was fine health wise (they took his license away though). So when we have 2 head injuries in 2 days, I feel like a total ass.

On our way to a coffee date with our friends Marie and Carson we took tumble number one. I say we, as we were both involved in this one.

Marie is a dear friend who I met in prenatal class. We got fat together and have a similar view on parenting which is delightful. She is a funny woman who doesn't judge me when I tell her I pinched Mason and swore at him for not sleeping. She listens and sympathizes when I bitch about life with a baby, but also reminds me about all the awesome stuff. It's great to have someone like her around. Our kids are a week apart in age, so they tend to reach milestones around the same time, which is good and bad. We share the Baby Mama Drama.

So on our way to coffee time, walking down the massive hill near our apartment I did a header on a patch of ice and fell to my knees. Masonite was in his carrier on me, and came for the ride, hitting the back of his head on the sidewalk. I'm not sure how severe this blow was, as he had on his toque and 3 hoods, but he screamed like I had ripped his toe nails out. I also started crying, and called my husband to see what to do. He reminded me that he was also new to the parenting thing, and had no idea. I watched for signs of concussion, and we continued onto our play date, everyone feeling fine.

The following day, while packing up some clothes in preparation for the move (just the mention of the move makes me light headed) he decided to work on his moves by rolling off our king sized bed onto the floor. He made sure to make a pit stop with his head on the giant rubbermaid on the way to his destination. Now I know at this point you are thinking a lot of things like "watch your damn kid", "why is a seven month old alone on the bed", etc, and believe me, I thought it too. Truth be told, I was 4 feet away from him, and his quick moves took place while I was reaching for a shirt in the closet. He is fine, I'm pretty sure I was more damaged by the fall. I know it's early in the year, but keep me in mind when the nominations for Mom of the Year come out.

Moving with Baby

As if moving weren't stressful enough, throw a 7 month old in the mix and it's a whole new level of mind bending.
We are taking possession of our first home on March 8, and the countdown is on. We are really welcoming this change, as we are and have been living in a one bedroom apartment with Mason since he joined the fam. It wasn't so hard at first, as I would have had him in the bedroom with us anyway for the first few months. But now this kid has an agenda of his own, and it really interferes with my sleeping. How rude is that? Let him live rent free, doesn't have to do any chores, gets whatever he wants, and thinks 5:30am is a good time to start rocking out 4 feet from my bed.
It was also so much easier when he was a little lump, as little lumps don't come with a lot of stuff. His favorite things in life were my breasts, and they were already residing here, so they only took up a little more space than usual. We made pleas with family and friends to hold off on all the toys and everything else that comes with baby until we moved. But Baby's first Christmas plus Grandparents first Christmas with a baby (I am an only child) equals a house full of toys, books, play mats, blankets, and so on. I now understand why whenever Auntie Tif showed up with another toy for my nieces and nephews, parents would give me stink eye.
So now not only do we have to move all our stuff, but his giant collection of things that have a sole purpose of collecting drool.
The moving is not even what's causing the sleepless nights, it's the renovations we are trying to complete pre-move, and the concern about where and who I am going to donate this baby to. My biggest concern is not how our house is going to look (although that is probably number 2 or three on the list) but how I am going to keep Ma$e on a regular schedule.
Gonna try and live in the moment (not good at that) and not stress too much about the future (professional at that). I'm sure everything will work out, and a few more sleepless nights will only get me closer to that Scout Badge I am going for.

Weight Watchin'

Like most mom's, there comes a time post baby when you wonder "Where did my body go, and how will I ever find it again?" For me that time started about 2 seconds after delivery, and still plagues my thoughts daily. I don't think I am a superficial or vain person, but when your bits have been stretched all over town, you kinda want to get them back in one area.
This is posing to be an issue for me, mostly because I am potentially the least motivated person in this city. I am really good at starting things, and equally skilled at quitting them when they become to hard or something new and exciting catches my eye (yes, precisely like a small child). So according to my track record, this blog will last about another 2 days.
I have now for 2 weeks been doing Weight Watchers online, and was super diligent for the first week, and now am starting to slip. A little less tracking, a little more snacking. During the first week I was also really good at working out a few times a week, which has also gone the way of the dodo bird. I keep telling myself that if I was trying to lose with someone I would do better. Have someone to be accountable to. It's also the competitive side of me, hoping to beat you at the "race" to lose weight and be in shape. Really healthy mentality, why aren't people lining up to lose weight with me?
I have about 10 pounds to go to get back to my pre-Mason weight, and have a very low fat, low cal dinner of spaghetti, garlic cheese bread and Cesar salad planned for tonight. How can I go wrong?

Advice Junkie

I am the queen of advice. Getting and giving. I will seek out information whether it be online, in books, or from friends or family. I will listen to whatever anyone has to tell me, especially if it's about child rearing. This has come to bite me in the ass several times.

Take sleep habits for example. When Mason started having poor sleep (and when I say started, I mean never stopped) instead of looking to my doctor or reading a book, I read 4. 4 books, all very different from the last, and all working against me. One says let him cry, never let him cry, pick him up, leave him alone. . . So with all this floating around in there, I bombarded myself with info, and questioned everything I had read, done, believed. I asked mommy friends, supportive family members, randoms on the street, and dug myself deeper into the hole of mixed messages. Eventually we found a solution that made sense for us (he still doesn't sleep through the night, so hold the fan mail) and it seems like an eternity ago (keep in mind he's 6 1/2 months old).

Now that I have gone through that, I have deemed myself an expert and will gladly share my knowledge with anyone that will listen. I try not to be "that gal" that says something that the listener will smile and nod at, then walk away shaking their head. We have all been in that conversation, and it's not fun to be on the receiving end. But I do want to share the knowledge, mistakes, and lessons I have learned with others. Fortunately for me, most of the people I am talking to do want to listen or are asking me because I am really good at pretending I have it together. Betcha didn't know motherhood turns you into one heck of an actress, among other things

Skin like a baby...

. . . is not what my baby has. He has more skin like a snake, which is causing more stress in my life than it should. Sweet baby Ma$e has excema, and I am on the never ending quest for the cure (which there is none apparently). Our doctor has prescribed hydrocortisone cream several times. For those who don't know, hydrocortisone over time thins the skin, and thin skin is more likely to get melanoma. Due to the fact that right now his face is the primary area of concern, I am very hesitant to use this. Who would want to increase the chances of skin cancer in a place that is already so susceptible? Not this mama.

I am trying to deduce what the cause of this skin irritation is instead of masking the issue, so have decided to have an all natural week with his skin. When I say all natural I mean from the earth, not leaving it alone, cause I am too anal to do that. I am using shea butter as an all over moisturizer and an all natural baby balm that I picked up at Planet Botanix on Bank st. I am also using calendula oil when he is super dry (which he is right now). I am seeing some very small improvements, and speaking to a midwife today was told to try apple cider vinegar (1/10 mixed with water) as a wash to try and neutralize the acidity in the skin. Keep posted for results.

The beginning

I have been contemplating writing a book, blog, or story for a long while now. I have so much to say and often times the only one listening is Mason. It wouldn't be so bad except he's 6 and a half months, and is only half listening. The other half is planning his next maneuver. He's a pretty independent little dude, and everyday I have the sad realization that he is only going to get more independent and move further away from me, literally and figuratively. I do not intend for this blog to be a rant page (and I apologize in advance for when it does), but more as a place for me to out into words what is currently just floating around in my head. I hope my insanity will help even one person feel a little more sane about being a parent.